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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27401338">You Are The Dream I Live In; The Dream I Can Never Awake From</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Su1010/pseuds/Su1010'>Su1010</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Flowers, Fluff, Happy Ending, Heartbreak, Hospital, M/M, One-Sided Love, Pain, Realisations, hanahaki, more angst and pain</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:08:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,600</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27401338</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Su1010/pseuds/Su1010</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Daichi Sawamura made flowers grow in Sugawara Koushi's lungs; but now he can't breathe.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>96</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Haikyuu Angst Week 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>You Are The Dream I Live In; The Dream I Can Never Awake From</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>TW // blood, illness</p><p>Hi and welcome to my second entry for D5! This is probably the longest fic I've written in under a day omg. See what happens when I give up on assignments lmaooo. Anyway, Daisuga is one of my favorite pairings and paired with Hanahaki, I had to make them suffer (but not too much hehe)</p><p>That's it from me. As always, enjoy the angst!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sugawara stood at the window, his silver hair blowing in the gentle breeze of summer as he leaned down to see students entering the school premises. A familiar cry sounded out and he craned his head to the right to see a certain raven-haired boy chasing after a tangerine child that was running away so fast -  it seemed as though he was a blur of orange just like the dawn that was slowly creeping in through the clouds in the morning sky. </p><p>“Hurry up, Bakageyama! I want to practice before class!”</p><p>Sugawara laughed as Kageyama retorted as he usually did. By catching up with Hinata, grabbing him by the collar of his uniform and chucking him almost across the assembly grounds. “Slow down, Hinata boke!”</p><p>He watched as the two left for the gymnasium and chuckled, wishing that he had the energy those two shared. </p><p>“What are you laughing at this early in the morning?”</p><p>Sugawara turned to see Daichi coming up the stairs, yawning and his hair sticking out in all directions. Coming to stand beside Sugawara, Sugawara couldn’t help but reach out and comb through the unruly strands of hair, forcing them down so that Daichi didn’t look so sleep-deprived. But the black circles under his eyes told Sugawara he wouldn’t be able to conceal the fact.</p><p>“Something funny,” Sugawara smirked, gesturing towards Daichi’s eyes to change the topic. “What were you doing up last night? Brainstorming new rotations again?”</p><p>Daichi yawned again and shifted slightly closer to Sugawara, leaning his head on the older boy’s shoulder. Sugawara’s breath hitched in his throat as he cleared it and averted his gaze to glance outside at the pine tree outside. </p><p>“No,” Daichi grumbled. “That stupid Calculus homework was doing my head in. I gave up after like two questions and almost had a breakdown. I swear my mum was close to whacking my head by the way I screamed and almost woke my siblings up.”</p><p>Sugawara laughed at the captain’s exaggeration and grinned, relaxing his stoic stance. “And did you end up finishing it?”</p><p>‘Yeah,” Daichi nodded in the midst of another yawn. “Ended up asking Michimiya for her answers. I wanted to ask you but I know you sleep by midnight so I texted her instead.”</p><p>Sugawara felt a slight tug at his heartstrings, the smallest, smallest bead of jealousy skimming across his bare skin as he rubbed the back of his neck and smiled down at Daichi, ignoring the erratic rhythm his heart was beating at. He knew Daichi was close to Michimiya because they had both attended Izumitate. But he still couldn’t help but feel a certain hollowness that had since settled in the crevices of his ribcages, spreading itself thinly across all 12 pairs of ribs that made it hard for Sugawara to breathe as he inhaled sharply.</p><p>“Oh yeah?” he tried to conceal the high pitch of his voice, tone rising several octaves. </p><p>“Yeah. She asked for some help with the girls’ volleyball team too. We stayed up until like, 3 in the morning, discussing several different tactics she could use. I told her she could come see us practice today to get a better idea too.”</p><p>Sugawara felt all the unspoken words he had kept locked up itching to escape his lips, coating his throat as he swallowed and tried to respond. But before he could; the bell rang and students started rushing through the hallways, making their way to their respective classrooms.</p><p>Sugawara sighed and relented when Daichi lifted his head and turned to head up too, looking at Sugawara who still stood at the window, looking out at the sky that was now a bright shade of crimson tinged with golden hues.</p><p>“Suga,” Daichi’s tongue curled around his name and coated it in honey, making Sugawara melt all over again. It was always the same routine. The captain and his vice. </p><p>“Yeah, yeah,” Suga put his hands into his trouser pockets and trudged upstairs reluctantly, slipping past a group of juniors that were discussing some video game in the middle of the stairwell.</p><p>“Daichi!” a feminine voice greeted just as about the pair were about to enter class. Sugawara spotted her before Daichi did and sighed yet again, twice in the short span of 5 minutes. </p><p>Michimiya Yui made her way over with a notebook in hand, smiling at the captain that stood in front of Sugawara, greeting her back equally enthusiastically. </p><p>“Good morning Sugawara,” she greeted the vice-captain as Sugawara smiled and grinned back, the smile immediately dissipating when she started to talk to Daichi about the techniques that had discussed the previous night.</p><p>It wasn’t that he despised the girl; more towards, he despised the way she looked at Daichi with such affection in her eyes and the way Daichi would gaze at her with that soft look reflected in those brown eyes that Sugawara often found himself drowning in. </p><p>No, Sugawara Koushi didn’t hate Michimiya Yui. Rather, he wanted to be her.</p><p>“Thank you!” Michimiya expressed her gratitude towards Daichi as the latter scratched the nape of his neck and Sugawara watched silently from where he was leaning against the wall.</p><p>“I’ll be there for practice later,” Michimiya promised as she waved to the pair and rushed back to class.</p><p>Daichi stared after her with a fond expression and Sugawara was about to clear his throat to catch his captain’s attention; but he suddenly realized he couldn’t breathe.</p><p>
  <i>The roses in his chest were starting to bloom, thorns starting to pierce his beating heart.</i>
</p><p>Sugawara gasped as he coughed and reached out to hold onto the wall, doubling over as bile started to rise and coat his throat.</p><p>“Suga!” Daichi exclaimed, rushing to help his vice-captain up. </p><p>Sugawara wanted to speak, but all that he could taste on his tongue was regret and he shook his head, gesturing towards the bathroom and quickly breaking free of Daichi’s grasp before his classmate could question him further. </p><p>Rushing to the washroom, he locked himself inside one of the stalls and bent down, severe coughs wracking his slim body as he tried to get rid of whatever it was clogging his throat. But no matter how many times he tried to vomit it out; it came out empty and Sugawara was starting to wonder whether he was going fucking insane. When he exited the stall and stood in front of the mirror, running his hands under the cold water – he swore he could savour the metallic taste of blood in the back of his throat.</p><p>Practice was hectic as usual. Hinata had messed up one of his quick attacks and Kageyama had almost chucked the older middle blocker over the net instead of the ball.<br/>
Thankfully, Daichi had stepped in to separate the two and Sugawara shook his head as he watched the younger ones continue their argument.</p><p>“Daichi!” Michimiya’s voice rang out in the gymnasium as several pairs of eyes turned to gaze at her, excluding Sugawara who simply turned to stare at Asahi who was equally uninterested in the girls' arrival; instead engaged in conversation with Nishinoya about their next plan of attack. </p><p>“I brought the other girls too,” Michimiya said as the other members of the girls’ volleyball team made their way into the gymnasium, trailing behind Michimiya and greeting the boys who nodded in response.</p><p>“Yeah, just take a seat in the bleachers,” Daichi tilted his head in the direction of the empty seats as the girls shuffled over. Only Michimiya remained behind, digging around in her bag to finally reveal a charm keychain which she handed over to Daichi whose confused expression Sugawara found endearing yet painful to bear.</p><p>“For good luck,” Michimiya said and Sugawara swore her cheeks were tinged a faint shade of pink when she made her way over to the bleachers, her eyes fixated on Daichi the entire time.</p><p>The coughing fit started before Sugawara realized, hacking through his throat as he frantically tried to gasp for air. The others came running up, Tanaka and Nishinoya quickly putting their hands around him to hold him up. Sugawara felt something coat his throat like before; but this time it felt more tangible and he quickly excused himself to go to the bathroom, convincing the others he would be fine. </p><p>But this time when he entered the stall and bent down, head hunched over the toilet bowl, he found flower petals slipping through his lips and falling into the water gently, different shades and shapes blinking back at him.</p><p>
  <i>Golden hyacinths as bright as the first ray of sun streaming through his bedroom window in the morning – jealousy (I want you to look at me the way you look at her).</i><br/>
<i>Red carnations stained crimson with blood as bright as the sky at dawn – my heart aches for you (because you don’t belong to me).</i><br/>
<i>Camellias dyed in various shades of pink - the same colour that stains your cheeks when you see her (I long for your love as I stand here alone).</i>
</p><p>Sugawara trembled as fear started making its way through his bare anatomy, filling his lungs with worry and entering the crevices of his grey matter – making a home within the thoughts and feelings he could not name.</p><p>“Fuck,” he raised his hands to rub at his mouth and realized they were shaking. Even worse, blood stained his palm and he quickly grabbed some tissue, rubbing at it furiously. </p><p>A knock on the door made him jump and hit his head on the side panel of the stall. He winced and rubbed at it, quickly using his other hand to flush the remnants of the petals away.</p><p>“Sugawara-san,” a soft voice rang out and Sugawara recognized it as their pinch server’s voice – Yamaguchi’s gentle tone shrouding him like a warm embrace from a loved one.</p><p>Quickly wiping the tears that were lingering in the corner of his eyes, Sugawara forced a smile onto his face and went out to face the younger boy who was staring at him with genuine concern etched onto his face and worry reflected in those brown eyes that looked so much like Daichi’s.</p><p>“Are you alright?” Yamaguchi questioned, following beside Sugawara who crossed over to the sink and started splashing water onto his face, ignoring the droplets that were getting on his jersey already drenched with sweat.</p><p>Sugawara debated between the answers he could provide Yamaguchi with. <i>Yes, I’m fine. Just a cold. No, I’m not. A garden is blooming within me and flowers grown thorns and I can’t seem to breathe when I see them together. </i></p><p>Sugawara sighed and placed both hands on each side of the sink, lowering his head. “Have you ever heard of Hanahaki?”</p><p>The younger boy nodded, and Sugawara arched an eyebrow in surprise. </p><p>“One of my classmates had it in junior high. She got the surgery though, but she wasn’t the same after that. Somehow it seemed as though she had become devoid of love – incapable of giving and receiving it.”</p><p>Realisation dawned on his face and Sugawara nodded, raising his head back up and staring at his pale reflection in the mirror that had a crack running through it – small details that he suddenly became so aware of.</p><p>“I’m dying, Yamaguchi.”</p><p>Those words seemed more palpable now that they escaped his own lips, laced with the fragrance of all those flowers that belonged in a bouquet he wished he could give to Daichi. A confession; all those words he had longed to say now ringing a little too loud in the deafening silence.</p><p>“But you can always get the surgery-“ Yamaguchi started but Sugawara cut him short, shaking his head, a sad smile playing at the corner of his lips.</p><p>“Who would I become if I lost the ability to love?”</p><p>The bathroom door banged open just then as Tanaka and Nishinoya rushed in, heading over to where Sugawara and Yamaguchi were standing.</p><p>“You alright, Sugawara-san?” Tanaka asked and Sugawara nodded as Nishinoya started to put his arm around his shoulder.</p><p>Sugawara laughed and shrugged the boy's hand off. “I’m okay guys. Just go back to practice or Daichi will be looking for you guys.”</p><p>“He was the one who told us to come find you,” Noya blurted out and Sugawara felt his heart start to race again.</p><p>
  <i>Oh, so you do care about me.</i>
</p><p>“I’m okay, I promise,” he tried to convince the younger ones. Meeting Yamaguchi’s eyes, the pinch server nodded and Sugawara knew his secret would remain safe with him.<br/>
Heading out of the bathroom, the four headed back to the gym where the others were waiting anxiously, Daichi rushing out through the doors when he saw Sugawara. The other three headed inside, leaving their captain and his vice to engage in conversation.</p><p>“Are you okay?” Daichi asked worriedly and Sugawara bit his lip, resisting the urge to tell his captain and best friend that his actions were driving him to ruins and soon, possibly to death. </p><p>He nodded. “I think I’m just coming down with a cold.”</p><p>Daichi raised a palm to Sugawara’s forehead and the back of his throat tickled, making him draw away sharply as Daichi looked at him with slight hurt reflected in eyes of honey under the afternoon sun. </p><p>“Sorry,” Sugawara apologized. “Just don’t want you to catch my cold.”</p><p>“Don’t be stupid,” Daichi chided him. “I’ll be alright.”</p><p>Sugawara smiled again, but this time the smile was falling apart and he felt it crack bit by bit like the pieces of his heart were falling apart except this time it wasn’t just his heart. It was him and his life and <i>God</i> heartbreak had never hurt like this before. Was this what they talked about in all those movies and books? Sacrificing yourself in the name of love?</p><p>“Suga, are you alright to continue practice?” Daichi inquired and Sugawara nodded, grinning with that expression he knew would convince Daichi he was alright.</p><p>“Always.”</p><p> </p><p>Months passed and the time for Inter-High Preliminaries was nearing. Training started becoming more intense – pushing all the Karasuno members to their limits. Sugawara was still able to keep up; but sometimes he would slow down and pant as his teammates ran by him. Often times, Yamaguchi slowed down and let Tsukishima go ahead alone; choosing to keep the senior setter company instead. Sugawara never really knew how to thank the kind-hearted boy; he was just grateful someone knew what he was going through.</p><p>“Alright,” Daichi gathered them around once they had finished their usual run. “Our first tournament is on Monday so we won’t have practice tomorrow. Get some rest, make sure to eat well and don’t worry yourselves too much.”</p><p>He grabbed Sugawara who was standing next to him and pulled him close much to the amusement of their teammates who started cheering for their captain and his vice. Sugawara coughed and quickly masked it with a smile, willing the itch in his throat to die away without making him choke on anymore petals. </p><p>
  <i>Not today. Not in front of them. Not in front of him.</i>
</p><p>“Karasuno!”</p><p>
  <b>“FLY!”</b>
</p><p>Dusk had fallen by the time practice ended and the team members made their way home slowly. Daichi had stopped at the convenience store their coach worked at and purchased pork buns for everyone, Hinata’s eyes lighting up at the food. </p><p>Sugawara laughed when Kageyama remarked how Hinata ate so much yet remained at his height. The small middle blocker had immediately stepped on Kageyama’s foot in retaliation and they were now chasing after each other on the path home.</p><p>“Goodnight!” Yamaguchi greeted the seniors as he headed down an alley with Tsukishima and Sugawara waved to the two boys. Tanaka and Nishinoya left soon with Asahi and only Sugawara and Daichi were left – bidding goodbye to the others.</p><p>“How was my form today?” Daichi asked Sugawara as the silver-haired setter laughed and turned to face his best friend. </p><p>“Excellent as ever. You are the captain after all, Daichi. You keep setting examples for the younger ones and I’m sorry I can’t do much-“</p><p>“Hey,” Daichi clasped Sugawara’s shoulder and met his gaze, a stern expression on his face. “You’re my vice-captain for a reason okay? You’re strong and kind and there’s nobody else I could imagine as my partner.”</p><p><i>Partner.</i> What did that word mean to Sugawara? A loved one? A teammate? Maybe a soulmate? Whatever it was, it kept running through Sugawara’s mind and only stopped once he reached home.</p><p>3 am found Sugawara coughing and suddenly gasping for air, his breath hitching in his throat. He rushed to the bathroom as a shower of petals escaped him once more; but this time they were coated in a deeper shade of crimson and Sugawara could feel the thorns rising higher and higher in his chest. He was suffocating; slowly but surely. </p><p>Flushing the remnants of his love away, Sugawara made his way out of the bathroom and fell into another fitful sleep, tossing and turning. In his dreams he found Daichi and they loved each other and the glorious, glorious pain that left him aching and hollow was all worth it. When dawn arrived with the first ray of sunlight, Sugawara awoke to half a red carnation on his pillow – torn in two like his heart.</p><p>The first round of Inter-High Preliminaries had started and Karasuno were up against Tokonami. The girls had lost in their first round and had come over to cheer the boys on. Sugawara was seated on the bench and he didn’t miss how Michimiya’s eyes scoured the whole court to finally find Daichi and she waved excitedly, earning that brilliant smile from Daichi that Sugawara wanted to frame in a photograph and keep with him for eternity.</p><p>The match was average – Karasuno playing well and easily winning two straight sets. Sugawara was on the sidelines for both sets; but the bright light he radiated never dimmed - not even once as he kept cheering for his team members.</p><p>“Good game!” he complimented the six as the younger ones bowed and started talking excitedly about how exciting it all was. It reminded Sugawara of his first match and the joy it had brought him. Fighting alongside his teammates; making the most out of the adrenaline flowing through his veins and humming lowly like static electricity. The game would always have a special place in Sugawara’s heart – having brought him and Daichi together.</p><p><i>Shame</i>, he thought to himself. <i>The only thing I regret is not meeting Daichi earlier.</i></p><p>He stared out of the corner of his eye as Daichi grabbed a water bottle and gulped down the water quickly, shuffling on his feet as he turned to the bleachers and saw Michimiya waving at him with a charm similar to the one she had given him dangling from her hand as Daichi took his out from his pocket and lifted it up too in response. </p><p>Sugawara’s feet moved faster than his mind as he exited the gymnasium and rushed to the toilet, pushing past people and throwing them half-hearted apologies as he tried to contain the bile that was starting to coat his throat along with the soft texture of petals.</p><p>The washroom was empty and Sugawara quickly locked himself inside one of the stalls, another wave of petals making their descend as he couldn’t even bring himself to watch them go down the drain, his energy drained as he slumped against the toilet bowl. </p><p>He slowly got to his feet and made his way towards the door, pulling at it and staggering out weakly. The ceiling was starting to spin as he took a step forward and held a hand to his head where the dull ache of a migraine was starting to throb at his temples.</p><p>He tripped over something on the floor and a sharp intake of breath escaped him as he stumbled forward, only to be caught by someone whose voice he didn’t recognize. It was only when he looked up that he recognized those brown eyes that reminded him so much of Daichi’s.</p><p>“Oikawa,” he breathed as the Aoba Johsai captain helped him up slowly, a concerned expression laced with confusiuon evident on his face.</p><p>“You’re from Karasuno,” Oikawa arched an eyebrow. “You got substituted by that protégé of mine.”</p><p>Sugawara nodded as he slowly made his way over to the sink, washing his face. He stared at his reflection in the mirror as Oikawa made his way over to stand behind and reached a hand out. Before Sugawara could register what was going on, Oikawa had leaned in towards his lips and Sugawara closed his eyes.</p><p>When he opened them again after what felt like a lifetime, he saw Oikawa standing before him with a yellow petal wedged between gritted teeth.</p><p>“Hanahaki,” Oikawa commented, taking the petal and crushing it in his finger. </p><p>
  <i>How fragile beauty was – alike mortality. It was all so fleeting, all so temporary.</i>
</p><p>“You know about it?” Sugawara questioned, rubbing at his mouth to get rid of the tiny drop of blood near his mole.</p><p>Oikawa nodded, reaching to wipe the bloodstain away and leaned against the wall. “My best friend had it.”</p><p>“Did he-“</p><p>Oikawa shook his head. “I fell in love with him too.”</p><p>
  <i>Oh. That must be wonderful.</i>
</p><p>“That’s uh, great,” Sugawara tried to at least feign happiness. “Must be nice to know how to breathe again.”</p><p>Oikawa sighed and Sugawara noticed the ghost of a smile playing on his lips. “Sometimes I still can’t forgive myself for putting Iwa-chan through so much pain. He loved me on the days I didn’t think I could love myself and suffered through them silently while I went on living life. It was only when I found him in his bedroom surrounded by lilies as white as the snow outside that I realized I didn’t want to lose him; I <i>couldn’t.”</i></p><p>“Purity,” Sugawara whispered, talking to himself rather than Oikawa. “The love he has for you is pure.”</p><p>Oikawa nodded and Sugawara saw the dazzling smile and in it, the reflection of the Grand King who had everything he ever needed by his side. </p><p>“Who is yours?” Oikawa gestured to the ashes of the flower on the tiled floor and Sugawara felt as though a piece of his heart had been stepped on instead. Maybe the flowers had become a part of him now and through them he felt pain.</p><p>“Daichi,” he replied honestly, struggling to get the name out as Oikawa pushed back off the wall and approached him again, rubbing his back gently.</p><p>“Your captain huh? I saw him waving to that girl just now before and after the match. She one of yours?”</p><p>“Yeah, from the Karasuno girls’ VB team,” Sugawara explained through slight coughs and Oikawa ran a hand through his tousled curls. </p><p>“You could always have the surgery; but from the way you have this look in your eyes when you talk about him, I know you won’t,” Oikawa said and Sugawara arched an eyebrow in confusion.</p><p>“What look?”</p><p>“The look of a man who has fallen in too deep to ever truly forget.”</p><p>Their second match against Date Tech had already started by the time Sugawara made his way back into the gymnasium with Oikawa. The Aoba Johsai captain had immediately approached a raven-haired boy that looked to be the same age as him and Sugawara immediately knew by the way they were talking to each other, that that was Iwa-chan.</p><p>Rage and jealousy had never weighed this heavily on his heart before and Sugawara forced himself to focus on the match, taking note of how Kageyama was playing to pick up some tricks himself. But when the younger setter started missing his targets, he was soon substituted and Daichi smiled at Sugawara when the latter replaced Kageyama alongside him.</p><p>They won, even against Date Tech’s infamous iron wall. And when Daichi picked up Sugawara and hugged him tight, Sugawara felt like he could breathe for the first time in months. But that feeling didn’t last long when he went back to the bench.</p><p>“You did good, Sugawara-san,” Kageyama commented as he handed his senior a water bottle. Sugawara nodded and opened his mouth to thank the younger boy; but horror soon overcame him when petals started pouring out.</p><p>“Daichi-san!” Kageyama quickly called their captain over who stared in astonishment and disbelief at the flowers that were on the floor, stained red like Nekoma’s jacket whose captain and several others were now looking over at them.</p><p>“Sugawara!” Daichi called out but Sugawara was long gone. The last thing he remembered was those beautiful brown eyes staring down at him before he closed his own.</p><p> </p><p>The faint smell of antiseptic and the soft beeping of machines greeted Sugawara when he awoke, feeling as though his whole body had been run over by a train. Twisting his wrists, he heard the crack and sighed in satisfaction as his limbs loosened. </p><p>The hospital wasn’t a foreign place to him; but being in a room hooked up to several machines was as he looked down at the IV drip needle attached to his arm. The last thing he remembered were brown eyes that he knew too well and his heart started to hurt again as he clutched at the hospital gown with futility.</p><p>
  <i>The garden was in full bloom now; the flowers curling their way through his chest, making their homes in the crevices and corners of his ribcage, thorns pricking flesh and making him bleed. Old wounds were reopening along with new ones and it was so, so hard to put bandages over them all when some wounds left scars.</i>
</p><p>The doctor came in and snapped him out of his reverie. “You’re up,” she commented, writing a remark on her clipboard as she crossed over the room to where Sugawara lay. </p><p>“How long?” he asked, dreading the answer when the doctor heaved a heavy sigh.</p><p>“Two weeks,” she replied. “Surgery is still a viable option if you’re interested-“</p><p>“No,” Sugawara adamantly shook his head. “I’m dying and I’ve accepted that.”</p><p>“You’re 18,” the doctor tried to convince him. “I’m sure you still have so much you want to do and places you want to go to.”</p><p>“None of those things mean anything to me if I’m doing them alone without the one person I want to love for the rest of my life by my side.”</p><p>The doctor exhaled sharply and leaned against the bedframe, reaching out to ruffle Sugawara’s messy hair. “You’re one of the bravest ones I’ve seen. But you’re also young, <i>too</i> young to go through this kind of pain.”</p><p>“Trust me,” Sugawara drew his knees up to his chest. “I know.”</p><p>Silence drifted over the room, drowning their voices as Sugawara started running through all the unanswered questions in his head until the doctor touched his shoulder gently.<br/>
“Some of your friends are here, would you like to see them?”</p><p>
  <i>All he wanted to see right now were those pair of brown eyes he wouldn’t mind drowning in.</i>
</p><p>“Sure,” Sugawara nodded and the doctor smiled for the first time since she had come in, quickly heading out to invite his teammates in.</p><p>Nishinoya and Asahi made their way in first, slowly approaching Sugawara but eventually Noya caved and threw himself at his vice-captain, arms encircling his waist. “Do you need me to beat someone up?” he asked Sugawara, narrowing his eyes as though trying to get his senior to expose who the person he was in love with was.</p><p>Sugawara immediately caught on and laughed, shaking his head. “It’s fine Noya, we’ll sort it out among ourselves. Thank you for asking though.”</p><p>Asahi placed a hand on Noya’s shoulder and shook his head at Sugawara. “Don’t,” his voice quivered, on the verge of tears and eventually cracking. “You’re talking like you’re saying your goodbyes and I can’t – <i>we,</i> can’t lose you. Not now, not yet.”</p><p><i>Oh, but I lost myself when I first fell in love with our captain and he didn’t love me back.</i> </p><p>“You won’t lose me,” Sugawara promised and Asahi sighed. </p><p>“You can’t keep making all this promises you won’t be able to keep. You’re too kind for your own good sometimes, Sugawara. Please be selfish enough and keep living. I’m begging you, don’t throw this – us – everyone and everything away for an emotion that you can learn to develop again.”</p><p>“But Asahi,” Sugawara closed his eyes as the lump in his throat rose again and he swallowed to clear it, masking it with another cough. “Who would I be if I couldn’t love anyone and anything anymore?”</p><p>The two left the room soon and Tanaka dropped by with his sister who had brought along spicy mapo tofu after Tanaka had mentioned in passing it was his senior setter and vice-captain’s favorite food. Tanaka didn’t know what to say and Sugawara honestly couldn’t blame the boy. He was still young; he would learn how to love after all and Sugawara had already seen the faint buds of it blooming during practice whenever Tanaka scored a point and instantly looked over to meet Shimizu’s eyes – who would immediately turn away; but Sugawara always caught her grin when she saw Tanaka execute his serve perfectly. </p><p>After the siblings left; Yamaguchi and Tsukishima came in and Sugawara kindly asked Tsukishima to excuse him and Yamaguchi for a moment as the latter blonde nodded and stepped outside – leaving his best friend and his vice-captain to engage in conversation.</p><p>“Yamaguchi,” Sugawara sat up slowly and winced at how frail he felt, a pang of pain pulling at his heart – the dull throb settling in his hollow chest. “Thank you for keeping this a secret for as long as it lasted.”</p><p>The younger boy shook his head and Sugawara saw the tears that were pooling in his eyes and he leaned over to wipe them away gently.</p><p>“You don’t have to thank me, Sugawara-san,” Yamaguchi finally spoke. “You’ve always been the kindest vice-captain and person. I learned a lot from you and-“<br/>
His voice trailed off into a tone barely above a whisper and Sugawara had to strain to hear it. <i>“I wish I could learn a lot more.”</i></p><p>Yamaguchi hugged Sugawara before exiting the room and letting his two teammates come in. Sugawara laughed as he remembered the day it all started and he saw the two younger ones rushing into the school compound; enthusiastic and committed. He saw their dedication and passion – the discipline they put into training sessions. The team was in good hands with them. The <i>game would flourish</i> with them even after Sugawara was long gone.</p><p>Hinata had started sobbing and Sugawara had to hold the young middle blocker in his embrace for a few good minutes until he finally calmed down. He had then told Kageyama to accompany him out and then come back.</p><p>Kageyama sat at the side of the bed, black eyes staring back at hazel ones. Sugawara pierced the silence after a brief moment of reprieve.</p><p>“I think I realized you were a better setter than me the first time I laid eyes on you in that gymnasium,” Sugawara revealed, watching the younger setter’s eyes widen. “I knew I was going to be replaced during matches because you were far better in every aspect but I didn’t mind because I know raw talent will always shine brighter no matter how much hard effort is polished. Kageyama, I think you made me realise a lot of things when you and Hinata joined the team and for that I’m thankful. Make Karasuno proud okay? They lost a setter but they gained an even better one and for that I will forever be proud of you.”</p><p>Kageyama wasn’t one to show affection; so Sugawara was slightly taken aback when he was wrapped in an embrace by the younger boy. He gladly welcomed it; relishing the warmth and comfort it provided him with.</p><p>Sugawara sighed after Kageyama had left the room and the door swung open yet again. He craned his head and arched an eyebrow in surprise when he saw Oikawa and his vice-captain come in.</p><p>“Hey,” Oikawa flashed that signature grin of his at Sugawara who smiled back.</p><p>“What are you doing here?”</p><p>“Come to visit you of course,” Oikawa replied and Sugawara had to laugh at his indignant tone.</p><p>“And you must be Iwaizumi,” Sugawara reached out to the raven-haired boy that was standing behind Kageyama. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”</p><p>“Good things, I hope,” Iwaizumi poked his boyfriend in the waist as Oikawa laughed and they continued teasing each other. Sugawara watched them and his heart ached once more. The coughing fit started up again as Oikawa quickly poured him a glass of water and Sugawara drank it. It was only after he did that he noticed the yellow petal in the glass.<br/>
Iwaizumi took it from him and smiled softly, but it was a sad smile that Sugawara knew all too well. </p><p>“Yellow hyacinths,” Iwaizumi turned the petal over in his palm. “Jealousy.”</p><p>“I didn’t take you to be the jealous type, Sugawara,” Oikawa retorted and Sugawara kicked the Aoba Johsai captain in response. </p><p>“Who wouldn’t be?” Sugawara asked, his voice resigned now as he slowly came to terms with the fact that he was dying. “When you see the person you love pour all his love onto someone else?”</p><p>The pair fell silent and Iwaizumi told his boyfriend to go out for a moment; despite his protests. Iwaizumi quickly kissed Oikawa to shut him up and Oikawa had gladly obliged, making his quick departure. </p><p>Iwaizumi sat down and met Sugawara’s gaze, his olive-green eyes holding a certain kindness to them. </p><p>“How many?” he asked in a low tone and Sugawara responded honestly. </p><p>“Three. Oikawa told me you only had one.”</p><p>“I was lucky,” Iwaizumi smiled. “He found me before it was too late.”</p><p>“I’m glad,” Sugawara replied with a smile of his own. “You guys were truly made for each other. The way he talked about finding you in a garden of white lilies – he was scared of losing you. He still is.”</p><p>“As am I,” Iwaizumi replied.</p><p>Dusk had fallen and Sugawara didn’t realise it as the sunset cast shadows on the blank wall, shrouding the two boys in silence. One who had found love before it was too late; and one who had found it in the place he least expected to. Sugawara honestly couldn’t say who was who because to him they were one and the same. But thorns didn’t grow within Iwaizumi’s chest anymore and for the first time since he had fallen in love with Daichi, Sugawara felt envy bloom.</p><p>“It hurts,” Iwaizumi finally pierced the silence and Sugawara found himself entranced by the boy’s soft voice which was such a contrast compared to the firm tone he had used on Oikawa earlier. </p><p>“There’s something so beautiful growing inside you but when you spit it out – it’s all ugliness and hideous to look at. All the remnants of a one-sided love story.”</p><p>“How did it feel?” Sugawara asked, his voice hollow – devoid of emotion. “When you knew the end was near?”</p><p>“I couldn’t breathe, at all. All the flowers made their way out of my lungs where they had built a home and clogged my airways. I was dying and I was painfully aware of it. If Oikawa hadn’t found me in time; then-“</p><p>“You would have died because you loved him too much to ever want to forget how it felt to love him or anyone else ever again.”</p><p>“Exactly. It’s like this sacrifice in the name of love where everything is melancholy and tragically beautiful. But in those flowers lie unspoken words and whispered confessions and you surrender yourself to them if it means getting to feel <i>anything</i>; even for a brief second.”</p><p>“The thorns must hurt though,” Iwaizumi commented softly and Sugawara nodded, seeing no point in concealing the truth. </p><p>“They prick me every chance they get.” Tears started falling then and Iwaizumi quickly got up, going to comfort him.</p><p>“How can something so beautiful hurt this much?” Sugawara sobbed, clutching at Iwaizumi’s jersey. “I don’t want to suffer anymore.”</p><p>“I’m so, so sorry,” Iwaizumi’s voice cracked as the two held onto each other, each finding solace in the other.</p><p>Iwaizumi left after a few minutes and Sugawara braced himself for Daichi to come in. But he should have known a long time ago that he would always be amazed by Daichi and how beautiful he was. He forgot all about the flowers blooming in his lungs for a second when he met the familiar gaze of brown eyes.</p><p>“Why?” Daichi’s first question took Sugawara by surprise as the captain kneeled down and started crying beside his bed. “Why didn’t you tell me?”</p><p>
  <i>Kinda hard to tell the person you love that he’s the cause of your suffering, isn’t it?</i>
</p><p>“I- I didn’t want to burden you-“</p><p>“God, Suga! You are never a fucking burden to me. I just – it just pains me to know you’ve been going through this without telling anyone and bearing all the weight of it alone. How long has it been? 4, 5 months?”</p><p>“6.”</p><p>“Half a fucking year, Suga,” Daichi exclaimed through his tears and Sugawara itched to reach out and wipe them all away. Wipe all of Daichi’s pain away. He didn’t care if he bore it alone; as long as Daichi was happy.</p><p>“Half a fucking year you pretended to be okay and lie to me when I asked you if you’re fine. Suga, did I do something wrong? Did I maybe-“</p><p>Sugawara quickly reached out and covered Daichi’s mouth before the captain could continue. His own eyes were brimming with tears when he shook his head and his voice quivered when he spoke. </p><p>“You could never do anything wrong, Daichi.”</p><p>“Who is it?” Daichi asked and Sugawara shook his head, the ghost of a smile playing on his lips.</p><p>“That secret will die with me,” he said and Daichi immediately stood up, shaking his vice-captain’s shoulders. </p><p>“You’re not going to die!” Daichi’s voice was filled with rage and Sugawara was momentarily stunned to see his outburst of emotion. He was rarely angry; even when he was disciplining the juniors. “You’re going to have the surgery and-“</p><p>“No,” Sugawara removed Daichi’s hand from his shoulder and held it in his palm, the pad of his thumb brushing softly over Daichi’s bruised and bloodied knuckles. “I’m not going to give up love to be alive. I would lose a part of myself and that would be the greatest tragedy of all.”</p><p>Two boys stood in silence as night befell the city, the moon rising with the stars. Sugawara Koushi was dying and he was finally coming to terms with that, the realization settling in.</p><p>“Please, Suga,” Daichi begged. “I don’t want to, no, fuck – I <i>can’t</i> lose you.”</p><p>“Daichi,” Suga chided him and gently caressed his cheek. “That would be too selfish a favour of you to ask and you are not a man who cares about himself more than others.”</p><p>“Live,” Daichi kept pleading. “For me, Suga.”</p><p>Sugawara was about to respond when the coughs started again, this time wracking his whole body and he really couldn’t breathe anymore. Daichi ran out to get the doctor but by the time they arrived; they found him unconscious on the bed – surrounded by pink petals that were the same shade of pink as the setting sun. </p><p>
  <i>Maybe, just maybe if these flowers coating my throat escaped my mouth, I could finally spit out all those words left unspoken. An eulogy of sorts I guess – built on the remains of our love story left untold. Tell the world I existed, won’t you? Even if it was just for a brief moment to see you happy with someone else.</i>
</p><p> </p><p>The next two weeks were agonizing for Sugawara as he kept growing weaker and weaker, his slim body getting frailer and he struggled to even move sometimes. The team visited frequently and Oikawa often did with Iwaizumi too – whom Sugawara had grown close to. </p><p>Kageyama would often refer to him for advice regarding how to improve his setting skills and Sugawara laughed whenever Hinata interrupted and asked for advice too. Tanaka and Nishinoya would make him laugh with their stupid jokes and Asahi would drag them both out before they woke up the whole ward with their obnoxious laughter. Yamaguchi also dropped by sometimes with Tsukishima and the two would sit with Sugawara – Tsukishima standing by the window and listening to music while Yamaguchi engaged in conversation with the vice-captain or well, <i>former</i> vice-captain.</p><p>Throughout it all, Daichi had become one of the only constants in Sugawara’s life – albeit not in the way he wanted him to. After practice ended in the evenings, Daichi would head straight to the hospital and stay beside Sugawara’s side until nightfall. Often times he would fall asleep there and Sugawara had to wake him up and force him to go home.</p><p>The week went by fast and the second week soon arrived. The doctor had started discussing burial options and Sugawara never imagined that at the age of 18, he would be planning out his funeral instead of planning which college to go to or which career to pursue. It all seemed so real now and fear started growing alongside those flowers. But he remained true to his initial decision and requested cremation.</p><p>The second week soon arrived and Sugawara started coughing out flowers in full bloom, the thorns drawing more blood than usual and he couldn’t eat anymore, consuming foods only in liquid form. He waited for the regret to kick in but there was only a dull ache – one he had grown accustomed to.</p><p>Daichi insisted on sleeping there throughout the whole second week, only heading home in the mornings when he knew Sugawara had survived the night. Somedays Sugawara wondered if Daichi was suffering like him if not more – by the way he was watching his best friend and vice-captain wilt away like all the flowers in his lungs.</p><p>The coughing started early in the morning and persisted throughout the night, Daichi staying awake to watch over him as the doctor solemnly informed it could occur at any time. What a life this was – watching your best friend die right before your eyes just waiting and waiting and <i>waiting.</i></p><p>It was around midnight when the first flower fell from his mouth and Sugawara groggily swiped at his mouth, pushing it away. But they started falling hard and fast as he quickly got up and tried to call out for Daichi – a strangled sob escaping him.</p><p>“Suga!” he yelled and quickly ran to his best friend’s side. “No, no,” he held his best friend in his arms as Sugawara started coughing again and all the flowers that had bloomed in his garden for one started uprooting themselves. </p><p>“Please,” Daichi pleaded through tears. “Suga, <i>please</i>. I love you too much to lose you!”</p><p>The words echoed in Sugawara’s head, repeating over and over in his mind like a broken record on loop. Even through all the pain that was flowing through his bare anatomy and his bones felt like breaking and his heart was aching and Daichi had said I love you and and and –</p><p>
  <i>Daichi said I love you.</i>
</p><p>Daichi was about to run out and yell for the doctor; but a single cough from Sugawara interrupted him and he looked down at his best friend, the tears in his eyes glistening under the dim fluorescent light.</p><p>Sugawara slowly removed his hand from his mouth and there in his palm – sat a red flower. But it was no longer the carnations he had slowly grown accustomed to. This was an ambrosia flower that shined as bright as its meaning.</p><p>
  <i>Your love is reciprocated. (I love you too much to lose you)</i>
</p><p>“What happened to Michimiya?” Sugawara finally blurted out in a low octave, not having enough faith in his voice to speak at full volume yet.</p><p>Daichi shook his head, “there was only you, Suga. These few months made me realise I did love you, I do. I’m so fucking sorry, Suga. All the pain, all the pain I never knew I was putting you through I’m so <i>fucking</i> sorry.”</p><p>The tears started falling before both of them even realized. Sugawara pulled his best friend onto the bed and leaned their foreheads against each other, both their hearts racing so hard and fast Sugawara swore he could hear his pounding within his chest, the noise reaching his ears.</p><p>Intertwining their fingers, he closed his eyes and whispered to Daichi. “All I’ve ever wanted is to be loved by you, Daichi.”</p><p>The kiss wasn’t perfect taking into account the multiple machines Sugawara was still hooked to and the way Daichi was hanging halfway off the bed. But it would remain etched into both their memories even 10, 20 years down the line.</p><p>“Thank you,” Daichi whispered when they pulled away. </p><p>Sugawara shook his head and smiled shyly, pressing another kiss to his captain’s lips. <i>The captain and his vice – inseparable.</i></p><p>“Thank you for loving me and letting me love you.”</p><p>
  <i>You made flowers grow in my lungs and although they are beautiful; I can’t breathe. But now the branches are gone, the thorns are no longer pricking me. Thank you, thank you for loving me the way I love you.</i>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading! &lt;3</p><p>Come follow me on Twitter! @chakraverty1010</p></blockquote></div></div>
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